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F*ck You Very Much: Observations on the Rise of Rudeness

7/31/2017

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Hey, readers, what the f*ck is up?

Whoa. Wait.

When did talking to each other like this become a good thing?

Growing up, I often referred to friends’ parents as "Mr." and "Ms." which was no doubt the influence of growing up on various military bases. There, acknowledgement of such courtesy titles and rank designations were commonplace. Of course, my preference for politeness was also due to my upbringing; to this day, I recall the time my parents explained the appropriateness of saying, “And how are you,” in response to someone who initially asked the question.

I’d like to think that — except for some foul language I once unleashed on a colleague or that evil expression I recently gave coffee shop staff when they ran out of French vanilla flavoring — I’m a kind, respectful person who values politeness.

I hold doors open for people behind me, even when they’re at distances others would likely deem non-door-holding-worthy. I return the carton of eggs containing a broken shell to the customer service department, happy that I’ve saved another shopper from purchasing an oozing mess. I speak with my mom on the phone every day, have engaged in random acts of kindness, and always try to show others respect.

The rise of the middle finger and bad language

You can imagine then, my disappointment and shock every time I open my laptop. It’s obvious that society is drowning in disrespect, even clamoring to find creative new ways to express such rudeness. Images of people posing with their middle fingers proudly extended are a “thing” across several social media sites, the blank stares behind them often empty and dark. Surely, this one finger salute is far from the military salutes and greetings I witnessed during my childhood.

Today’s excessive, just-for-fun use of the gesture never fails to make me feel embarrassment and shame. Sure, some of it is (sort of) funny, but it’s so overdone, that any humorous aspect has gone by the wayside.

Just to do it, I checked out #middlefinger on Twitter and sure enough, there’s plenty to be seen. Indeed, people are so devoted to the gesture that a slew of images and comments are posted regularly. This, my friends, is what many people are doing with their time. Selfie sticks and middle finger pics, f*ck you very much. Unless, of course, they’re all wrapped up in scrolling through #freethenipple pics, which of course include the best of both worlds: nipples and the presence of our digitus medius.

Sigh.

No, many stories really are not that f*cking amazing

Even the stories that our friends are sharing or “liking” are filled with headlines that often talk about celebs, political figures or historical people who “didn’t give a f*ck.” Articles entice us with images of people who “F*cking nailed the mommy thing” or even a recipe.

Really? Are we that excited about cupcakes that we must reinforce our emotions with a curse word? Is any food that marvelous?

In the case of a story about an individual, such articles often contain examples of what the author believes makes them a revered rebel. Typically, it involves actions that exemplify utter disregard for others, a breaking of rules and tendency towards gluttonous behaviors. There are stories of married people who didn’t give a f*ck about cheating or even little children who didn’t give a f*ck in the classroom. Together we giggle at these videos or stories, until our attention span wanes and another equally, er, f*cking interesting story, catches our eye.

The YOLO, “because I can” mentality has infiltrated the media and, I’m afraid, contributed to much of society’s complacent, “F*ck you and the world I live in” attitude. Daily, we’re exposed to brazen gestures or snippets of unnecessary nudity under the guise of a video that will “make you laugh for minutes on end.” We’re sharing images of cats that “call” people a “F*cktard,” but it’s OK because the animal softens the rudeness and well, because we F*cking can (*middle fingers of both hands in your face*).

Of course, I’m well aware of the feel-good sites and stories out there. Plenty of well-mannered, positive ones exist, brimming with edgy humor, sharp wit and intelligence. I’ve read and shared the stories that demonstrate humanity’s kindness, but even then, steadfast F*ck-to-itiveness often weasels its way in. Eventually, someone is bound to comment with a semi-nude picture or off-topic racial jab. Or maybe Bart Simpson or the Queen of England flipping the bird.

We’re better than this
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The ability to lighten up (which I’m sure people — who miss my point entirely — will say I need to do) will undoubtedly be the response of those who see nothing wrong with such rudeness. So too, will those who hold tight to freedom of expression. Yes, I get it. However, too far is simply too far. Still, we continue to push limits, fast-becoming a who-cares-anything-goes-you-mother-f*cker society. We’re in your face, brash and bold, bitter and disrespectful... and proud of it.

Call me strange, but there’s something to be said for self-expression that involves tact and respect. We can express ourselves by raising hope instead of our middle fingers. People need not resort to jumping on the “F*cktard” bandwagon to make a point, provide information or convey a sense of humor.
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​We’re better than that.


Note: post first published by Jennifer Lea Reynolds on HuffPost, where she's a contributor, in 2015.
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Jumping off the Negativity Bandwagon and Finding Kindness

4/20/2017

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Image credit: publicdomainpictures.net
Often, being kind is associated with being weird, wimpy or even up to no good.

“She’s being so nice. What’s her motive?” people ask. There’s even a Reddit thread on the topic, in which folks talk about feeling “on guard” or express an uneasiness when receiving favors.

“Does he ever get angry? I mean, he’s always saying good things about other people.”
“He’ll never make it in the workplace. He’s a softie!”
“Such a Pollyanna. Are her glasses always rose-colored?”

Granted, there are some people who are so perpetually kind and happy it makes you wonder if they’re capable of talking about something serious for just one second. You know, stuff beyond always holding doors for others or baking muffins for colleagues and occasionally breaking away to engage in deep conversations about politics, vent about strange gym experiences or inwardly curse tangled metal hangers.

Still, when kind gestures surface — the ones that are sporadic and genuine, not creepy and self-serving — they should be seen as anything but weird and wimpy.

A Culture of Negativity

So many times people are fast to jump on the negativity bandwagon, complete with name-calling, rumor-spreading and acting unkind for the sheer sake of it. Who wouldn’t welcome more kindness in the world?

Think about it:
  • Social media posts: Take a scroll and chances are, you’ll come across drama-infused innuendos directed at an unnamed person. Memes about “idiots” and strangers from around the world making off-topic, derogatory comments in a simple weather-related post is often par for the course. Social media can be a free-for-all where negativity is frequently regurgitated.
  • Driving: Middle fingers. Speeding up for no other reason than to prevent the person in the other lane from turning or entering the highway.
  • At work: Spreading rumors. Talking bad about other coworkers to others. Setting someone up for failure.
  • In daily conversation: I’ve observed people take on the attitude of someone else in a group, agreeing with their negative comments without even knowing the entire story – or even the person being belittled. “She’s a horrible person,” someone might say. Before you know it, others are nodding in agreement, illogically piecing together half-truths and unknowns that originate from someone who has likely based their comments on, well, half-truths and unknowns.

Turning Away from Bad-Mouthing and Negative Thinking

But what if we consciously sought to reverse all of these situations, or at least the way we think about them? People can be quick to judge, unleash unkind phrases, or incessantly bash someone else in a conversation.

Instead:
  • Social media posts: Say something nice. If others are saying something rude about another person, don’t get in it.  Share something on someone’s wall (if on Facebook) to let them know you’re thinking about them. Mention someone on Twitter, not because you hope they’ll mention you and increase your visibility in return, but because you truly enjoyed what they shared. Compliment. Encourage. Bring people up.
  • Driving:  Give people the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone drives in an offending manner because they’re rude to the core. They could be, but still, consider that perhaps someone cut you off because the passenger started having a stroke and had to be rushed to the hospital. Maybe a bee landed on the driver’s lips. Perhaps they just learned they won the lottery and couldn’t contain their exuberance (ok, unlikely, but still). The list goes on. Rather than jump to negative conclusions about the person behind the wheel, take a breath and be kind.
  • At work: Sing the praises of another colleague. Do it in front of their boss, their team, the individual one-on-one. Strike up a conversation with someone you see in the halls, but rarely talk with. Don’t bully just because the so-called prized employee (which could be a rumor anyway) does. Ask to help someone who’s been experiencing work or personal challenges – or both.
  • In conversation: Question others who constantly bash another person. Whether it’s one subtle remark or a series of accusatory words, ask about the details and if appropriate, point out something that’s not adding up. Even just a “well, behind closed doors no one really knows” type of statement can often make the other person understand that speaking ill of another often isn’t fair. If it is justified, perhaps ask the person to speak to the offending individual face-to-face, rather than vent so publicly. Say positive things to and about others rather than participate in behaviors that spin the muddy wheels of negativity.

How have you spread kindness today?
Kindness is always in style.
©Copyright 2017, Jennifer Lea Reynolds, The Kindness Couture, and TheKindnessCouture.com.  Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to
Jennifer Lea Reynolds and The Kindness Couture with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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Acts of Kindness: 7 Ideas to Spread Cheer  

2/15/2017

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Who doesn’t want a little more kindness in their life? Engaging in random acts of kindness has become increasingly popular, with more people helping others or being on the receiving end of thoughtful gestures. With this in mind, here are some unique ideas for you to help spread cheer to others—today and every day.

1. Send a Handwritten Note
In today’s age of sending a quick text or clicking “like” on Facebook, it’s easy to overlook that some people deserve more. Writing a handwritten note really stands out from the social media pack and tells others you truly care. It’s a thoughtful gesture that brings about smiles and good feelings, so consider mailing a note to someone. No need to write a book (unless you want); conveying a special thank you or succinct, meaningful congratulatory words will be appreciated.

2. Be Nice in the Workplace
Being kind isn’t just about extending pleasant words and actions to friends and family members, but also involves treating colleagues well. I’ve written on this topic many times, advocating the need for there to be more kindness and less rudeness on the work front. In fact, studies have shown that rudeness spreads in the work environment and lingers, creating one giant, unhappy mess day after day.

Share a smile with a colleague you normally don’t interact with, express thoughts without yelling and cursing, and if you are in the position to do so, extend a realistic work-life balance approach throughout your work culture. All of these are kind behaviors that can boost morale, increase productivity, and make individuals happier in general.

3. Offer to Babysit
If you know of a couple that’s been stressed and desperately wanting to get away, you can help. Contact a friend and let them know that you want to babysit for them, no questions asked and no payment expected. This way, they can head out and have some time to themselves, even if it’s just about taking a drive around the area and seeing what’s new in town. The offer will be music to their ears and will make you feel good knowing you’re allowing good friends to spend some much-needed time to themselves.

4. Mail a Small Gift to Someone You Don’t Often See
There’s nothing like the element of surprise to put a smile on someone’s face. Send a small gift to a family member, friend or even an acquaintance you may interact with on the computer, but rarely in person. This can range from an affordable movie gift card to a handmade item that suits their style.  Sending a gift that has nothing to do with a holiday or special occasion sends a caring message.  

5. Make a Recipe that Says You Pay Attention to Others
Anyone can hit the store and bring a box of cookies to a friend.  While that’s a thoughtful idea, why not do something even more unique to show them you’ve been paying attention to their favorite things?  For example, if you know someone doesn’t care for strawberries, make a dish that excludes it instead of going by what the recipe says. Or, if they love chocolate chips, add it to a recipe that doesn’t suggest it in the ingredient list for an element of surprise and added thoughtfulness.
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6. Acknowledge People on Social Media
Everyone wants to see more likes on their Facebook page. For many, it’s all about the comments and followers. While it may be important to boost your social media message for business reasons, why not take a step back and call attention to another person’s work or talents? If you’re a fan of a certain blog or Instagram account, why not share it with your own followers, tagging them appropriately? This will show that you’re open-minded while also giving the other person a lift.
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7. Last but not Least . . . Be Kind to Yourself!
Don’t forget to be kind to yourself, especially if you tend to put your needs last. Sure, it’s good to be kind to others, but it’s also important to treat yourself well.  So go ahead and buy your favorite flowers, get a massage, or purchase that fun mug that caught your eye.

Kindness is always in style.
©Copyright 2016, Jennifer Lea Reynolds, The Kindness Couture, and TheKindnessCouture.com.  Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to
Jennifer Lea Reynolds and The Kindness Couture with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


Credit for all images: publicdomainpictures.net


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Can Being Kind Really Boost Your Happiness?

11/28/2016

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Image: Pixabay.com/Greyerbaby
Between sayings about it being better to give than to receive or paying it forward, you’d think we’d be living in a world where happiness abounds 24/7. After all, participating in random acts of kindness has been said to not only be a nice thing to do, but there’s often a lot of talk about the behavior as something that boosts our own happiness as well.

Win-win, right?

Well, experts from the universities of Oxford and Bournemouth set out to determine if kindness is indeed the mood-booster it’s often touted as being.

And…it is.

The team assessed more than 400 published papers on the link between kindness and happiness, fine-tuning the process to analyze several papers that actually put the happiness claim to the test. They then ultimately examined the statistical results of the scientific papers to determine whether or not being kind makes people happier.

According to the University of Oxford, there truly is an association between kindness and happiness. You can view more details on the Open Science Framework, an open collaboration project focused on science, where the experts’ 52-page abstract on the topic is housed.

Dr. Oliver Scott Curry, from the Institute of Cognitive and Evolutionary Anthropology at the University of Oxford, and a lead author of the study explains the kindness-happiness association. “Humans are social animals. We are happy to help family, friends, colleagues, community members and even strangers under some conditions,” he says. “This research suggests that people do indeed derive satisfaction from helping others. This is probably because we genuinely care about others' welfare, and because random acts of kindness are a good way of making new friends, and kick-starting supportive social relationships.”

While the study does point out that the overall effect of kindness on happiness—based on their particular assessments—is somewhat small (approximately less than one point on a 0-10 happiness scale), let’s keep our happiness hats on and hold on to the hope that kindness, no matter how large or small, can generate.

Additionally, it’s noted that the research conducted didn’t distinguish between various types of kindness. For example, there are certain dynamics that exist between family, friends, and strangers, colleagues, and more. This suggests that specific kindness as opposed to arbitrary kindness could have an even greater impact on your happiness level.

Study or no study, I’m of the mindset that kindness is a good thing. It never hurts to be nice, and I definitely feel lighter in my heart whenever I do something nice for others.

What kind act or words have you shared with someone today?

Kindness is always in style.
©Copyright 2016, Jennifer Lea Reynolds, The Kindness Couture, and TheKindnessCouture.com.  Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to
Jennifer Lea Reynolds and The Kindness Couture with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.





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The Kindness Couture: What it is and Why We Need It Now

11/5/2016

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It’s no secret that we’re bombarded with bothersome headlines more often than pleasant ones. And I don’t mean unpleasantries that can’t be avoided like certain natural disasters. I’m talking about the ones we bring about and often cheer on ourselves; the rude-to-the-core, disrespectful, anger-fueled behaviors that humans engage in with a disturbing, brazen nonchalance.  This is about disrespectful actions, hurtful innuendos, belittling, bullying, hurting instead of helping behaviors.

Enter The Kindness Couture, which I’ve created to help turn the tide away from such negativity so that we embrace the power of kindness.

It’s simple. Much like a coveted fashion, kindness makes us and those around us feel happy, confident, comforted, and secure. So it is with my Kindness Couture concept, where all that is kind, nice, and happy is always in style.

The Kindness Couture’s goal is to create an environment in which people unabashedly immerse themselves in kind actions and thoughts on a daily basis—towards others as well as themselves. It’s about living without feeling as though good behaviors and genuine actions should be hidden under a cloak of negativity, gossip and rudeness.  It’s knowing that kindness isn’t synonymous with weakness, but that it’s something to be proud of. 

So, let’s walk around strutting our sincerity, flaunting our good intentions. This is about wrapping ourselves up in kind actions and routinely making it a way of life that permeates the corporate culture, the family culture, one's individual culture—and hopefully one day, all of humanity.

I’ve written previously about the topic of kindness in several Huffington Post articles, including one about my attempt to “put the ‘kind’ back in humankind.” In it, I describe the challenges and lessons learned in trying to turn frowns upside down, drawing on studies that explain the feel-good health benefits of being pleasant and the importance of genuine compassion.

In another article, I wrote about those who often said I was too nice, as if that was a bad thing. So, I explained my “niceness promise,” in which I declared that I will “… smile at others’ mean spirited intentions, turn from their unfounded words and...I will choose niceness. And I will continue to be nice.”

For the naysayers who think this is saying that cute puppy videos, helping others, and extending thoughtful words is too full of rainbows and unicorns and nonsense, I offer this from the aforementioned article:

With each senseless act, our souls are saddened and our spirits are shattered. From the Timothy McVeighs and Ted Kaczynskis, to the gun-toting maniacs found in schools and the ongoing ISIS horrors (let’s not forget the tragedy that unfolds at smaller, local levels — the animal abuser in our town, the rape of an elderly woman a few counties away, and so on), violence is running rampant.

Niceness, while it won’t take away the hurts or bring loved ones back, helps. It reminds us that while we may be down, we’re not completely out, at least for long. It encourages the healing process. It makes things okay, if only for a moment. Whether it’s a smile or a random act of kindness, niceness counts. In niceness (politeness, respect, manners — call it what you will) comes hope.

We need more pleases and thank yous. Not half muttered, obligatory ones that are said because we know it’s the right thing to do, but because we genuinely mean the words. Compliments should be extended for the sheer sake of offering honest praise, not because we think saying someone’s shoes look awesome will score us points in the get-a-promotion department.

On that last point, yes, kindness should also infiltrate the corporate culture. Sure, there are plenty of workplaces that encourage kindness, creativity and wellness, complete with resting pods and ping pong tables, but still, many unkind work environments linger. There are rude employees and employers, gossip-laden comments tossed about, and bad language used to describe others during pre-presentation chatter.  I’ve experienced it myself, describing the need for kindness in the workplace in “Workplace Kindness: Why It's Not an Oxymoron, but a Necessity.” For that article, I wrote:

A kind employee — one who doesn’t drop the F-word at the drop of a dime, talk badly about other colleagues, cheat on their boyfriends in order to climb the corporate ladder, and yes, who makes the occasional batch of cupcakes — is often viewed as a too-nice individual incapable of going for the gusto and “making it happen.” They’re sweet and lovely and all, but void of brazen words and arrogant actions, are deemed not quite cut out for the business world.
Too kind is too much to handle for some people. And for those who have the ability to be nice and build business relationships (gasp!), it’s hard for many employers to grasp. Apparently, workplace kindness is often viewed as an oxymoron.

But it doesn’t have to be. An employee can be kind, well-intentioned, and caring and make strides in the workplace. There need not be such cut-and-dry “you’re either vindictive or award-winning” or “you’re either too nice and a so-so worker” thoughts.

It's time to make kindness—towards others and to ourselves—the norm. It's time to turn away from greedy tendencies, negative gossip, instigating, fighting, and all other disturbing behaviors. Time to focus more on giving and receiving more joy and kindness. The Kindness Couture movement strives to keep this in mind.

Let’s bring each other up, not hammer one another down.


©Copyright 2016, Jennifer Lea Reynolds, The Kindness Couture, and TheKindnessCouture.com.  Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to
Jennifer Lea Reynolds and The Kindness Couture with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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    BLOG ARCHIVES

    JUMPING OFF THE NEGATIVITY BANDWAGON AND FINDING KINDNESS

    F*CK YOU VERY MUCH: OBSERVATIONS ON THE RISE OF RUDENESS
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    CAN BEING KIND REALLY BOOST YOUR HAPPINESS?

    ACTS OF KINDNESS: 7 IDEAS TO SPREAD CHEER 

    THE KINDNESS COUTURE: WHAT IT IS AND WHY WE NEED IT NOW

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